Bazooka Joe: The Movie? (Plus audio rant)

BazookaListen, the problem isn’t that Hollywood has run out of ideas. It ran out of ideas a long time ago. The problem is Hollywood doesn’t even know what an idea is anymore.

Michael Eisner’s office. He is speaking to his personal assistant.

Eisner: Last night. I was taking off my shirt — and I noticed in my belly button — this fuzzy stuff.

Assistant: Really?

Eisner: Yeah. Spontaneous fuzz. I think there might be a story in it.

Assistant: What direction were you thinking of going in with the… fuzz. Horror? Sci-fi?

Eisner: More along the lines of an environmental cautionary tale. Every man, woman, and child in America wakes up one morning to discover that their belly button has become a toxic dump site for…

Assistant: Lint?

Eisner: Sends a shudder down your spine, doesn’t it.

The assistant looks confused.

Eisner: Maybe Julia Roberts could star in it.

Assistant: Erin Brockovich 2?

Eisner: Why not?

Long silence from Eisner.

Eisner: Christ. I hope she doesn’t have an outtie.

Another morning.

Eisner: Have you ever noticed how when your eyelids open and close kind of slowly, there’s this… well, the only way to put it is — darkness. Usually you don’t notice, I mean your eyelids move so fast. But if you slow them down…

Assistant: There’s this… darkness.

Eisner: Exactly! Now try and imagine this. An entire film — presented in Blink-O-Vision. The tag could be something like: Don’t blink… or you’ll miss it!

Assistant: Should that go in the press release? Or do you want to save it for the one on one with Variety?

A more recent morning.
Eisner is chewing something and reading a small unfolded piece of paper. He laughs.

Bazooka JoeEisner: Bazooka Joe. That guy really cracks me up.

Assistant: You do know, sir, we own that property.

Eisner: You’re shittin’ me!

Eisner swallows gum and begins to choke. Personal assistant performs Heimlich maneuver. After a moment or two, the gum pops out of Eisner’s mouth.

Eisner: All this time, we’ve been sitting on top a gold mine and I didn’t even know it. Bazooka Fuckin’ Joe. And he’s ours.

Assistant: Along with Mort, Cindy, Jake and the whole Bazooka Joe gang.

Eisner:  Just think of the merchandising possibilities.

The personal assistant takes a moment to think about the merchandising possibilities before offering:

Assistant: Gum?

Eisner: It’s a natural. We could hold a nation wide contest and stick chewed gum under theater seats. If you find the special gum, you win a big cash prize!

Assistant: (trying not to make a face) Chewed gum? Under seats?

Eisner doesn’t respond. He’s lost in a reverie.

Eisner: Bazooka Joe: The Movie. It’ll be the biggest thing since…

Assistant: Navel lint?

Eisner: Bigger. I’m talking big, big.

Assistant: Even bigger than Blink-O-Vision?

Eisner: Oh, yeah. It’s got Blink-O-Vision beat all to hell.

Some final thoughts on the possibility of a Bazooka Joe movie.  What else can we say, except…

Be afraid.  Be very afraid.″

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